But when I tell you that the
following image is one of the most adorable things you will see today, you can
trust that I'm not after your Social Security number. Instead, I only ask that you download my
novel, and I'm not even really asking that, there's just a neat sidebar that
conveniently has a picture of the book's cover that also takes you right to
where you can order your own copy. I
know how hard it is to grasp the concept that someone in the vast miasma of
faceless forum jumping actually cares about how much you smile today, but I do.
In fact, there's even the
possibility that you steal this picture, slap a funny caption on it, and become
instantly rich when your insight into the feline condition makes its way
through cyberspace to the overcrowded desks of cat-lovers across the globe. If that happens, wouldn't you say I'm nearly
the best friend you don't know on the 'net?
You would, right? I need a
friend. My cats spend most of the day
doing things that aren't nearly as huggable as the two pictured below. When they do manage to find time to cheer me
up, it's never happens until after they sit in a circle around the litter box
while I shovel their poop into plastic bags.
At that point, it is clear to me who is entertaining who.
What I'm saying is, when you get
a chance to jumpstart your happiness with a double helping of adorable, you
should take it. Unless it comes in the
form of a blinking, flashing, wiggling pop up ad. Or a strangely grammatically incorrect
e-mail. Or a tweet from someone who
joined up only a few hours ago. Really,
I guess, you should probably only rely on me and the following picture.
The first thing that came to my
mind when I saw this was to question how much the orange-furred cat weigh that
his or her tiny paw is enough to send rippling spasms of pain through the grey
kitty. Maybe the Garfield-style kitten
is Garfield-sized. Or it could be a
ninja cat. More realistically, I guess
the cat could have learned pressure points from a Vulcan.
Then I realized that the cat on
the right might just be yawning, except that the sheer terror on the face of
the orange fuzzball suggests that he or she is about half a second from fleeing
for his or her life. I have never found myself
fleeing from someone who was yawning.
Just the one time that I was being chased by a narcoleptic banger near
Harlem.
Maybe the grey cat is roaring,
imitating something he or she saw on television like most children are prone to
do (for this reason, I do not allow any of my cats to watch "The Lion
King" or the under-rated Val Kilmer classic, "The Ghost and theDarkness"). The power of his or her
primal howl is enough to brush back the hair of the smaller feline on the
left. It could send paroxysms of fear
that reduce the orange animal to a shaking, quivering, cowering mass. While on safari, by which I mean while
listening to the tour guide at Busch Gardens, I once had the opportunity to
come face to face with a roaring tiger.
I chose not to take that opportunity, because I have no desire to wet
myself in public. That hasn't been funny
since, what, tenth grade?
Possibly the least cute option
would be if the cat on the right is belching, having just finished his or her
allotment of canned tuna for the afternoon. More than once, it has happened to me that
one of my furry companions just can't help but attempt to recite the ABC's
instead of quietly expelling the fragrant gas into a remote corner of the
apartment. If that's the case, I can
certainly understand the other's reaction, since cats, while they tend to have
impeccably shiny coats, do not seem to care nearly as much about dental
hygiene.
Even if the last turns out to be
the impetus for the captured image, it is still quite adorable, as who among us
has never laughed at a baby gurgling on her parent's shoulder at Chuck E.
Cheese, just before leveling the dining area with the kind of acrid stench that
makes even the robot animals pinch their nostrils. And maybe the cat on the left is just
performing one of those all too infrequent dental check-ups, the equivalent of
asking someone to feel your breasts to make sure you don't have cancer (this
happens, like cat teeth-brushing, only about one thousandth of the time that it
should, if you care for my opinion).
You may giggle harder if you
visit a tweenage angst-ridden blog, or if you hop over to Cracked to get your
fill of list-based humor for the day, and I have to recommend checking out
GatheringMagic for your gaming fix, but when it comes to cute, this kind of
adorable is all sold out in stores. With
such a limited supply, it only makes sense that we all take the chance we have
now to look at that picture again. Now
that I look at it, maybe the grey cat laughs like Danny Devito's Penguin.
You wouldn't like it if he was laughing at you, either. |
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